I feel so stupidly lonely, and the attributes I hate most about myself get blown to the surface: envy, most of it all, and self pity. Oh I know, it doesn’t do anyone any good when I’m being mean to myself, but envy (which is really loneliness) tastes ugly in my throat, like mould or milk gone bad.
My very good old friend – let’s call her Maja – just phoned me to tell me that she’s getting married. She manages to do this for completely practical reasons and still gets all the romantic stuff out of it, and more, complete with roses, engagement ring and candlelight. I love her for the way she manages this, which is completely unique and full of true passion.
Another friend of mine is five months pregnant.
Is it ridiculous that a part of me wants that stuff, too? Probably not. But it certainly is impractical, because I’m not going to get it any time soon.
M and W had fight today, a small one, M says, but I can’t quite grasp why he doesn’t just listen to her, why he always has to belittle her feelings. He’s not like that with me, and I know he can do better. Everyone seems to be fighting these days (well, not Maja and her fiancé, obviously), and it’s difficult to distance myself from those fights, because I panick easily and start to believe that everything is breaking apart.
Today’s not such a good day. On other days, I feel brilliant, independent, strong, calm. But the longer I’m in this city, staring at a flickering computer screen, sleeping too long and drifting through whole days without anything practical to do, the more I’m losing my equilibrium.
Just gotta move away, then, right? The answer is quite easy, I just have to do it.
Apropos moving away – I don’t feel safe out here in the open anymore, so MAYBE I’m going to move my private content to wyrdnis.dreamwidth.org and make that journal friendslocked. If you want to join me there, I’d be happy. I can’t guarantee there will be much more than whining, though – saldly I don’t tend to blog much when I’m happy.